THROUGH A CHILD'S EYES

MOST parents will agree on at least one point: to bring up a child successfully is one of the biggest challenges they have ever faced. There have been countless words written on how to do this and make a success of it. There is, however, one method that is accessible to all adults, whether parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, or just friends. When it comes to understanding and training children, have you tried looking through a child’s eyes? Just what goes on in those little minds?

Remember, children are little people. Having this view of them will aid us in understanding how we are viewed by them. They are born tiny into a world of people who loom larger in size, authority, and power. To a toddler, adults can either represent protection, comfort, and help or be a bullying threat.

They Are Not Little Adults

Another important point of insight is to be careful not to make the mistake of treating them as little adults. Childhood should be one of the happiest times of life. There is no need to rush them through it or cause them to miss it altogether. Let them enjoy it. As a parent, you can take the opportunity to build in them the moral principles needed to become, in time, well-adjusted adults.

When dealing with infants, viewing things through a child’s eyes does not lose its value. For example, crying should never be an invitation for beatings by frustrated parents. Crying or whimpering is the natural way for the newborn baby to express its needs. After the child comes out from the safekeeping of its mother’s womb, it is able to make its viewpoint quite vocal by a hearty cry!

Encourage and Guide Rather Than Demand

It is good to encourage children’s efforts to express themselves. Their point of view may reveal problems, and a problem clearly understood is much easier to solve. But how we respond to their utterances is as important as getting them to express themselves. Wendy Schuman, associate editor of Parents magazine, offers advice on how we should try to talk to children: “Putting empathy into words . . . is the central concept underlying much of the recent work in parent-child communications. But empathy itself is not enough if it isn’t translated into empathetic language. And this does not come naturally to the lips of most parents.”

In other words, if a child is disrespectful or has done something shocking, needing correction, we should try hard not to let our attitude and tone of voice match our annoyance or frustration. Of course, this is much easier said than done. But remember, harsh or belittling replies, such as, “Stupid” or, “Can’t you do anything right?” never improve an already difficult situation.

Many parents have found that extending empathy by giving commendation, especially before counseling, can yield positive results. Here again is an opportunity to look through a child’s eyes. Most children are very much aware when such commendation is given with an ulterior motive or when it is not from the heart. Therefore, when giving commendation to our children, we should make sure that the praise is genuine and deserved.

Noted child psychologist Dr. Haim G. Ginott, in his book Between Parent and Child, emphasizes that parents should praise accomplishments rather than personality. For example, after your son builds a bookcase and proudly shows it to you, your comment, ‘That bookcase is not only attractive but also practical,’ will build his confidence. Why? Because you are praising his accomplishment. Hence, your praise is realistic to your child. However, the expression, ‘You are a good carpenter,’ may not be, since you are focusing on him as a person.

Dr. Ginott observes: “Most people believe that praise builds up a child’s confidence and makes him feel secure. In actuality, praise may result in tension and misbehaviour . . . When parents tell a child, ‘You are such a good boy,’ he may not be able to accept it because his own picture of himself is quite different . . . Praise should deal, not with the child’s personality attributes, but with his efforts and achievements . . . Praise has two parts: our words and the child’s inferences. Our words should state clearly that we appreciate the child’s effort, work, achievement, help, consideration.”

This sound suggestion for commendation is in harmony with the inspired advice to show generosity, as found at Proverbs 3:27: “Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act.”—New International Version.

In truth it can be said that no matter what good advice or wise counsel we read, there is no shortcut to what some have called the 20-year program of bringing up a son or a daughter. It requires patience, love, understanding, and consideration. But a great help toward success is to learn to see and understand the behavior of your young one “through a child’s eyes.”

“A wise son is the one that makes a father rejoice,” wrote wise King Solomon. (Proverbs 10:1) May a better understanding of your child’s way of thinking and point of view assist you in achieving this same joyful experience.

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